Thoughts on Christmas

Well, the Critz household is ready for Christmas! This is the first year that Little John has really had some comprehension of what is going on and he has added so much to the joy of the season with his excitement. We decorated our house, made Christmas tree rice krispy treats, drove to Dallas to look at Christmas lights, watched Christmas shows, went to a birthday party for Jesus, picked out presents for people we love, and we're just getting started! He has absolutely no idea that he is "supposed" to ask for things for Christmas so he is just enjoying the whole thing. I'm hoping that the seeds are also being sown for him to begin understanding the true miracle behind this celebration. I have thought a lot this December about baby Jesus. Having a newborn in our house makes it extra special as I snuggle with her, smell her little baby smell, and think about the Son of God actually becoming a tiny infant. What did Mary understand about her baby? I just had a natural childbirth and I would NOT have wanted to do that in a stable after a long road trip! I think we've heard it so many times that we become numb. That scared girl endured so much physically and emotionally and then He arrived and I'm sure she had the thought that all of us have that it was all worth it. Worth every minute of discomfort for just a few precious moments with that child. I know this sounds too simple but I keep finding myself telling Jesus this year, "I'm just so glad You came." So glad I can talk to the Almighty God through Jesus, so glad I can tell my babies this story day after day until they also choose eternal life through Him, just so glad He came. Merry Christmas to each of you as you enjoy all the blessings that come from our loving Father!

Pictures

Our wonderful and very talented photographer has some pictures of Kailey on her website if anyone's interested. Go to www.memorablemomentsphotography.com and scroll down until you see the album marked "Kailey." There are some precious ones of her with her sweet daddy! Thank you, Kristin, for more wonderful memories captured!

She's Here!

As most of you know, Kailey Abigail arrived on Monday, November 13th at 3:11pm. The birth went beautifully and we thoroughly enjoyed realizing our dream of having her at home. It was a tremendous experience of realizing the Lord's grace and strength and I absolutely loved being prayed over by my midwife and constantly reminded by her of God's presence there with us. John was incredible and it was so enjoyable having him take over the main role of coaching and supporting me through the birth instead of his playing backup to the doctors. He was strong, steady and there were moments I hung on to him for dear life! : ) Of course, when he caught his baby girl as she made her entrance into the world, he fell madly in love and I think he's pretty much hooked for life. What a tremendous daddy he is. Kailey weighed in at 8lbs. 7oz. and 21 inches. The midwife thinks my dates were a little off and she was a good two weeks early. Think about those stats in another two weeks! Whew! I'll have a better picture soon but for now this is the best I can find. Her brother hasn't paid a whole lot of attention to her yet but that is slowly changing. He gives her the occasional very sweet kiss or pat and it just melts my heart to see the beginning of their sibling relationship. We couldn't be happier and Thanksgiving is very special this year as we especially thank God for the blessing of the new little life in our family. Thanks to all of you for your prayers for all of us! God is so good!

Waiting

That seems to be the word that best describes my life right now. I feel ready, eager, and excited to meet my baby girl! I'm also extremely anxious to be comfortable again! I was praying the other day and asking God to help me to see what He had for me to learn or how I could grow during these last days of my pregnancy. See, my theory on pain, hardship or discomfort is that I never want to endure it without growing - what a waste of something I could be gaining from! So, as I was praying I felt that He gave me this picture of how He feels about me and all of us. He waits patiently, preparing a place and longing for the day when we will join Him in His home. He knows that the birth itself will be a painful process and require our physical bodies dying but the love and joy that await make that "labor" seem as nothing. Obviously His view of time is very different than what my finite mind understands but to me it was precious thinking of His patience as I live my time here until He can call me home. I know that my imperfect love for my daughter in no way compares to His love for me and it makes me eagerly anticipate what He could have waiting that makes my pink nursery seem like a paper box. He is sharing this time with me, understanding my feelings, and we will both wait for the perfect time that He knows. What a sweet and loving Lord!

Romans 8:18-25

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Amazing Women

My three beautiful girlfriends who are my accountability group. You don't get much better than that!










My incredible mothers (and the best grandmothers to my children). Sometimes I think of my heritage of godly women and feel huge responsibility in living up to what God has given me in them!


I have been thinking about something a lot for about a week now and it seems that everywhere I go this week I am reminded of it. After a conversation with my accountability group I started thinking about the different women I know and the diverse struggles they have in their lives. Some of them are many years ahead of me and some are younger but already experiencing more than many people do in a lifetime. I look at these women and it is hard to understand how they have the patience, strength, endurance, wisdom, or peace to go through what they are and I pray that occasionally they are also seeing that in me. It is amazing how each one has what they can handle by God's grace. I look and wonder how they do it and they look at others and wonder how they can manage their struggles! God is so good to equip us throughout our lives for the very things that He will be calling us to or carrying us through. I am deeply humbled as I realize just how many women I am around on a weekly basis who have allowed God to create in them a strength that is amazing. I have heroes who are family members, older women, and friends. I can quickly think of women who have endured loneliness, divorce, physical pain, the loss of children, being spiritual widows, financial struggle, childhood wounds, and the list goes on and on. There are also those dealing with the "smaller" day-to-day life things that I look at and feel that I would not be able to handle it with the grace and patience they show. Sunday in our class we talked about spiritual maturity and I thought again of all the ways I see that in these women. And once again last night as I listened to two beautiful women share their stories, I was just overwhelmed by the wealth of wisdom, love, and godliness around me.

Just a quick plug for the RHCC girls here. If any of you have not yet been able to attend the Joy for the Journey meetings, they have been wonderful! Having these women mentor and share with us is uplifting and makes me understand once again how God knows exactly what He's talking about when He tells the older women to teach the younger women! Watch your bulletin for updates on these meetings.

Most of you who read this are these women in my life (the other few not being women!). I hope that each of you know the deep love and admiration I have for you. I hope I am clear with the way your strength and courage inspire and challenge me. I would love to sit here and list out each woman and every way you bless others but this would be never ending. Maybe that's something I'll do eventually is highlight some of those. I am honored to know you and richly blessed any time I can pray with or listen to you. I love you, dear friends!

Things I've Learned From My Toddler

I have become a much wiser person thanks to having a two-year-old son. I thought I would pass on some of these jewels to all of you in case they were things you've ever wondered about.

• Eating is optional and there are far better ways to spend your time until you get really hungry and down two, yes TWO, burritos from Taco Bueno.
  
• There is absolutely no end to toddler energy.
  
• It is possible to have a full bladder for many hours and not let it go simply out of stubborn determination.
• Dirty diapers do not bother everyone and do not hinder playing at all.
  
• Those little foam toe separating things for painting your toenails can be put other places on your body too.
• Anything can be used as a "bat" to hit balls - tennis rackets, golf clubs, and actual bats are preferred, though.
• Mommy's growing pregnant belly makes a great jungle gym.
• You can talk to an unborn child through your mother's belly button.
• If you want great maternity pictures that look like your son is talking to your baby, stick a cookie up your shirt.
• Couch pillows do not serve their best purpose sitting on the couch. They are put to much better use when you use them to bury your dad or make a pile to jump in.
• It sounds much cuter to say your B E D's than your A B C's. It is also far more endearing to readie writie than to read and write.
• Bob the Tomato can be found anywhere, anytime that you can find a circle.
• The church should really show Pooh on that big screen at the front. Each Sunday there is a certain level of disappointment that they still have not figured this out.
• Doing really cute things just like your dad does them will get you a long way with Mom.
• You can have endless fun talking to the recorded lady that comes on when you leave the phone off the hook too long.
• You can hum to the tone of the dial tone and it is also an interesting activity
• It only takes one to have a pizza party if everyone else is in the media room and thought you should go to bed (Tara will attest to the priceless nature of this one)
• All aunts, uncles, and grandparents should live in one house with us so that they never have to go home.
  

These are just a few of the ones I've been learning lately and I'm sure there will be many, many more. Oh, how I love my little guy! We've started lately spreading our arms as wide as we can to tell each other just how much we love each other. That doesn't even come close to expressing what is in my heart for him. Hopefully some day he will have a precious little boy and understand his mommy's heart.

"Punks"

I took John to a pumpkin patch in Flower Mound a few weeks ago for a little guy trip with his buddy Garrett (and their moms and Aunt Caitlin). John loved the "punks" and felt like he had an enormous job to do organizing everything when he saw that huge field of pumpkins. He takes things so seriously! It was extremely difficult to get a picture of John sitting or of Garrett and John in the same shot. These boys are so active! They had a hay maze and all these cute cutouts of different cartoon characters for the kids. He was excited about finding Nemo! They were both excited about running which is one reason I took Aunt Caitlin. Me running right now is just not going to happen. It was fun! Last night I made pumpkin bread and John was very confused how that piece of "cake" had anything to do with his beloved "punks." Some things will remain a mystery for a while longer, I guess.

Vision Trouble

Tonight we had a sad little experience for about an hour. When John woke up from his nap and we were about to head to church for class, he began crying and screaming that his eye hurt. (We still don't know how the foreign substance got in his eye but we think it might have been blue crayon based on other evidence. Don't ask me because I have no clue how that happened. He didn't have a blue crayon when I left him tucked in bed.) First, it can be so nice to have children at the stage where they can tell you what is hurting. That development is a blessing! But, although he kept asking us rather pathetically to help him and seemed sure that we could, he wouldn't let us do what we needed to do to wash his eye out. We knew we just needed to get enough of the liquid in there to wash out whatever was irritating him but he refused to let us put in the solution or to open his eye once we did. He preferred to keep his eyes closed and bury his head on my chest because then it apparently wasn't hurting him as much. Any light seemed to further irritate him. We finally did what all parents must do and held him down against his strongest protests to get it washed out. Immediately he felt better, opened his eye, hugged his dad, and started playing.

As I watched this play out and thought of those yucky things we have to do as parents because we know it will help, I was again reminded of how much like a two-year-old I can be when it comes to God trying to remove things from my eyes. I can choose very painful ways of viewing life, others, and God's ways just because it's more comfortable or familiar to me than opening my eyes for a few quick minutes of discomfort and allowing God to clean them out so that I can see clearly. I want so much to refuse the toddler stage of believing God can do anything but still not allowing Him to do that in me without kicking and screaming. I don't want Him to leave me in my pain and ignorance even when I'm begging Him to do just that. I want to open my eyes wide, let Him do His perfect work, and then see the things that He has for me and for our family. Lord, give me courage to trust You and allow You to work in the eyes of my heart!

Earliest Memory

Okay, it's been a week since I blogged and I'm going to try something new. I love reading other people's comments so I'm going to ask a question and hope for a lot of feedback. As I am building precious memories with my little ones I often wonder when will the ones start happening that he/she will remember. Everyone seems to be different and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to the things that people remember. I think one of my earliest, most vivid memories would be of my third or fourth birthday party. My older brother gave me a yellow "My Little Pony" that had apples on her little rump. I can't quite remember her name but it was a super big deal to me that this gift was especially from him to me. That cements so solidly in my mind how special and important John will be in Kailey's life. His acceptance and approval will play an important, God-given role in who she becomes.

So, what is your earliest memory and how does it (or does it) affect you today? Is it positive, negative, silly, or important? What does it mean to you? I wonder what our children's earliest memories will be. . .

"The Man"

Today our sweet little friend, Hayley, gave me a precious gift. Shelly will tell the story much better since she heard Hayley say it, but I believe the basic conversation was something like this. When Shelly told Hayley this afternoon that they were going to stop by our house for a few minutes, she was very excited about seeing Little John, Courtney and "the man." Shelly thought she must be referring to Big John and didn't think much more about it until they got home afterwards. Then Hayley again said that she had fun at John's house seeing John, Courtney and "the man." Upon asking more questions Shelly finally discovered that "the man" is kind (I believe was the word) and plays with them. He is in Kailey's room which was John's until recently. Apparently Kailey's room is the only place Hayley sees him. I am a firm believer in the special relationship that children share with the Lord and His realm. I have my own story of seeing "the man" in my room as a child and that memory is as vivid today as it was 20 years ago. I also had the tremendous blessing, as Hayley does, of having parents who believed wholeheartedly with me and encouraged my childlike faith. Is it really that odd that the Lord shows Himself to those tiny hearts who ask no questions but calmly accept the presence of His angels as good and right? And how interesting that "the man" is nothing foreign or unusual but someone who seems very normal in Hayley's little world. The more I have thought about this today, the more of a gift it becomes. This week has been a difficult one for me physically as I struggle through these last weeks of pregnancy with strong pregnancy symptoms like in the first trimester except with a third trimester belly and aches and pains to go with it. I have wrestled with the fact that it is difficult for me to care for my babies while carrying them (and this is certainly not a new struggle after my past pregnancy history). Today was as if God put His hand on my growing belly and reminded me that it is not I who is caring for these babies but Him. And there is "the man" waiting in my nursery the moment that Kailey arrives to care for her there. Coincidence that little Hayley's confirmation came this week? I think not. The nursery is also the room where we have prayed every night since moving in this house a year ago for our children. We pray for John, prayed for Kailey to be conceived, and have prayed for her during this pregnancy. Coincidence that "the man" resides in the room where we have spent more hours praying over our children than any other? I think not. And today, while doing something completely unrelated, I "randomly" came across this verse in Luke 10, "At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure. " Friends, I have to love a God who has revealed things to our babies because it was His good pleasure. I have to love that He placed a verbal little girl in my life for whom I have prayed since her conception to tell me what God is doing. I have to just love Him because He is so good.

Cupcakes

I don't want to jump the gun on Shelly and show all of Hayley's birthday party, but these cupcake pictures were so cute I had to share them. I love how some icing can totally brighten a child's day. Oh wait, that works on me too! These kids are so adorable, and I love them all!

Hayley, Emma and John actually all sitting down at once! It's amazing what a cupcake will do.

Icing on the face

And the advertisement for Shelly's cupcakes - "More cake?"

Gratefulness

John was gone this past weekend on the Our Father's Children retreat for the teenagers who have graduated from the Royal Family Kids Camp for abused and neglected children. While we were thrilled to share him with those boys, we missed him very much! Little John kept asking me in a tiny, little voice, "Where my daddy?" Needless to say, we were doing a little dance when he walked in the door Sunday evening. It never ceases to amaze me how I can be with him 24/7 and he still gives me butterflies! : ) Saturday night we went over to my parents where my sister was watching Ellie, who is a little friend from church. I was upstairs when her daddy came to pick her up. Due to my pregnant hormones and missing my husband I welled up when I heard her downstairs doing the most excited little "Yeah Daddy!" chant because she could not contain her joy at seeing Danny. It made me start thinking about all the precious, dedicated daddies I know and just how blessed their kids are. It also made me hope that I tell my husband often enough just how glad we are that he walks through that door every night after work. Not after making a stop at the local hangout or even taking a break from responsibilities - he just comes straight from his workload at the office to his "workload" at home. I was convicted, praying that each faithful man feels the incredible weight that his daily sacrifices carry with his family, that no decision to spend time with his babies or make a priority for his family is ever in vain, and that my job is to always show gratefulness! Every time John does something for us he could be making a different choice but he's choosing us, choosing his Lord, and changing our lives. It's always easy to see the difficulty of the job I'm doing and always more challenging to stop and look instead at what others are also working hard for. I have taught countless children over the years that gratefulness is a choice and I have to ask myself if I'm making that choice every day and modeling that for my children so that when I am teaching them that someday, they will recognize it in my life. I can't keep John's job of provider, husband, and father from being hard, but I can certainly make sure it's never thankless. Have you thanked your hubby today?

John's New Room

I have made a big step for this mommy and moved my boy upstairs to his "big boy room." Chelsea finished painting his mural on Sunday and that night he spent his first night in his boat bed. He did great! He is SO excited about his room. It is difficult for pictures to do the mural justice so you will just have to come over. If any of you ever consider doing something like this, I would highly recommend Chelsea who did a fantastic job. She is so talented. I deeply admire artistically talented people because that's a talent I have to admire from a distance since I really do not possess it. Little John points out each thing whenever he goes in his room, especially the pickup truck that Chelsea painted to look just like John's with silhouettes of the guys inside it. He told me that it was he and Daddy going to Sonic for a "cheese" (grilled cheese). He can look up at the plane when he's lying in bed which is also very cool to him.

We also had the nursery painted this week so it is officially very pink and we are in full preparations for Miss Kailey as well! I feel much more ahead of things with him upstairs and her room awaiting her arrival. Her sweet daddy has been working tonight to hang her chandelier with Little John "helping" constantly. He wants to "screw" everything with the screwdriver and climb the ladder. He loves the pink nursery and just refers to it as "pink." He'll want to "go in the pink" or he left his duck "in the pink." It's pretty funny. He makes me laugh with all his funny little ways of saying and doing things right now. Earlier he was looking at my blog with me and started to feed himself the cake in the picture of him eating my birthday cake. His imagination is certainly growing at a rapid rate!

Little John pointing out everything in his mural the first time he saw it all finished.

His "red plane" reminding us of the best reason to "go" anywhere!Another view of the mural, including Daddy's truck headed to SonicSnuggle time with Mommy before he sleeps upstairs for the first time!

Summer Fun

Here are some more summer photos. In case you can't tell, I just got a lot of pictures developed and have to share cute ones of my boy! I had been storing up 35mm rolls for a while now. I promise there will be an end to the madness. 4th of July fun with the Waltons and RidgellsEating Mom's birthday cakeBirthday kisses!Swimming lessons

Popsicles

This summer Little John had his first popsicle and then enjoyed that special treat several times over the course of these hot months. We always strip down to the diaper (at least) because clothing will not survive the drippy, colored mess that results from his slow enjoyment of the melting treat. Of course, the camera came out several times for this so I thought I'd share my favorites as the summer draws to a close.

Critz Family Weekend

We spent last weekend in San Antonio with John's family. It was a wonderful, relaxing weekend for everyone and Little John got to spend lots of quality time with his Nonnie, Poppie, aunts, uncles, and cousin. We stayed at the Hyatt Hill Country and spent most of our time in the lazy river and the pool. Thankfully, our little guy decided that swimming was his favorite thing after a summer of not wanting much to do with the pool. His little swimming lessons payed off and he was kicking, blowing bubbles, and paddling away. Little John did great and we pretty much never heard a peep out of cousin Caden who is always happy and content. Matt and Jamie are such great parents. It was fun for the boys to get some "cousin time" even if they aren't that interested in each other yet! Things have certainly changed since our camping in Lake Tahoe days!

Little John enjoyed making Smores with Nonnie at the poolside bonfire but he didn't care about eating any of it except the chocolate. We also watched a movie on the lawn which he thought was super fun.

Uncle Jordan's girlfriend, Kristen, is one of Little John's current favorite people. He was always asking where she was if she got out of sight for even a few minutes. He liked tetherball even though he didn't quite get the concept and kept letting the ball hit him in the head! He's a tough one!

When we gave John his first ring pop he decided to have Aunt "Mamie" wear it and he would walk up and take licks when he felt the urge. It was pretty funny! It is always a joy to spend time with family and this weekend was no exception. Hopefully we'll make it a tradition and have lots of these memories together. We love our Critz family!

Happy Birthday, Christopher!

My baby brother turned 19 on Monday. That is insane. I vividly remember every part of praying for him to be conceived, waiting for his arrival, the excitement of that day, and then finally my baby brother. As a 7-year-old girl with two brothers, I thought I wanted a girl. . . until he arrived. Then all I wanted was little Christopher David. It was the greatest to have a live baby doll. I remember that I really wanted him to sleep in my room in his crib because I was completely envious that my brothers were sharing a room and I was all alone. I wanted to prove that I could take care of him during the night. I really thought it wasn't fair that my parents hogged him in their room when they already had somebody to share with! Now I know that there was probably nothing they would have liked more than to have put him in there with me. : ) I can never thank my parents enough for stepping out in faith and continuing their family after the all-american 2 or 3 kids had been reached. What would our lives be without Christopher and the two sisters who followed him? Any "sacrifice" that the three of us made in order to have more siblings has been repayed 100-fold. I love watching Christopher grow, mature, and change. I am privileged to be his sister and have him take care of me and look out for me. He is a fantastic uncle and Little John gets so excited about playing with "Tipper." Watching them together brings me so much joy! Thank God for brothers, brave, faith-filled parents, and for the relationship he has given me with Christopher! I love you, "baby" brother!

The Ideal Husband

Five years ago this afternoon I stood at the top of the stairs at Richland Hills Church and waited as Brittany began singing the song for my entrance into the auditorium. I had a quick moment there completely alone to thank God yet again for all He had done to bring me to that day. I was getting married! I remember turning that corner and seeing that sea of people and feeling so, very loved. Most of my focus, though, was on the two men I was walking toward. At the bottom of the stairs was my dad, the man who had fulfilled my childhood dreams and needs for a girl's Prince Charming. A man who had loved me unconditionally, cared for me, protected me, taught me, and helped me to choose the man with whom I would be spending the rest of my life. Once I reached my dad without falling or tripping (hooray!) I could focus less on walking and more on the other people. On every side were people from church, friends from all areas of life, family, and standing on the stage was my man. The one who was now going to be caring for me, supporting me, and living with me. I was barely twenty-one and very much in love, and if I had had any idea just how good life with him was going to be, I think I would have forgotten the heels and train and just run down the aisle. I can still make that walk in slow motion in my head because I was working so hard to soak in every second.

When we got married, I knew John as well as anyone can know someone they haven't lived with. We met as children and I knew him when he wore red suspenders and talked in a high voice, when he played baseball and took math classes, when he couldn't talk to girls even though all the girls wanted to talk to him, when I had braces and glasses and would have had a heart attack if he had sat next to me, when we graduated together and five of us set off on our senior road trip, when he gave me my first kiss and was the first guy to tell me that he loved me. We have 20 years of memories, but the best have definitely been crammed into the last five years. I have watched him grow from the boy I loved into a man of God whom I respect and admire. And just when I would think I couldn't love him any more, something like May 19th, 2004 happens and as I watched him hold our firstborn son, my love for him grew exponentially in a single moment.

Five years later I know that there is absolutely nowhere I would rather be than standing next to John. We have been through things we never expected and have definitely experienced more hard things in these five years than I had in my previous life. But no matter how hard things are coming at us from the outside, we have had five years of peace and oneness inside our relationship. John is a very big guy and when he wraps me in his big bear hug, I feel completely protected. That is a perfect picture of how things work. I can be hurting and lost but never without his love and protection wrapped around me helping to carry the load. What a beautiful picture of God's love he daily shows me. Baby, marrying you was one of the best decisions of my life and I would do it all over again. I love you more than I ever have and look forward to finding out just how much more I can love you in the future. By God's grace, you have made all my little girl dreams come true and way beyond what I could have imagined. Thank you for choosing me to be the privileged girl who gets to spend her life with you!

Praises

I wanted to give you a quick update so you could know how prayers were answered yesterday. We had the visitation Wednesday night and the funeral yesterday afternoon and were comforted and encouraged by all the love that was poured out on us. We celebrated a man who was greatly loved and respected by his family and now is home with our Lord. The service was wonderful and both my dad and his brother were able to make it through what they wanted to say. My nausea took a temporary hiatus from the moment we got in the car and, even with all the driving, my stomach felt better than it has in a while. I certainly needed that for such a physically and emotionally demanding day. Little John was as cooperative as we could have asked, especially since the funeral was right when he would have been napping. Precious church family like Jenni New, Linda Letz, Pam Willingham, Ron & Mary Carroll, the Washburns and several others who were willing to make the long drive out on Wednesday night or Thursday meant so much. My sweet mother and sister-in-law and all of my mom's family were also there surrounding us with love. I love family, both spiritual and physical. Thank you again for your prayers, notes, e-mails, and phone calls. I love you all!

Papa's Ultimate Healing

The fight is over and my Papa is at peace and resting. He went to be with Jesus yesterday afternoon. My dad was there with them and it was peaceful. This is a precious answer to prayer. I am so grateful that all his pain and weakness is over and he is free. I can't tell you how precious the blood of Jesus is to me this morning. I thank God for each person that it covers and my heart cries out for those who have not yet claimed it. Many of my tears are tears of gratitude that we can face this with complete knowledge of my grandfather's decision to choose Jesus.

One of my fun memories of my granddad is that he used to nickname all of his grandchildren. It was his special name for us which we, of course, loved. Mine was Tinks, short for Tinkerbell. I can't help but wonder if he is now sitting there with Benjamin and his four unborn great-grandchildren on his lap, nicknaming them all. I can't wait to hear what he came up with.

Thank you for your continued prayers for us. Mostly we are now praying for my grandmother's peace and comfort. I can't imagine what this is like for her. As for me specifically, I am blessed and doing well. I would ask for your prayers because any abnormal stress or emotion sends my nausea into high gear and today is already proving to be a particularly rough one. Please pray for me in all my pregnancy hormonal state as we go through the coming events of this week. It looks like the funeral may be on Thursday or Friday. Just one more confirmation of how God leads us in the small things because John and I could have been planning a trip this week or weekend for our anniversary and instead had already planned to be here. God is so good!

Delighting in the Small Things

Okay, this is probably of absolutely no interest to anyone else, but I have found tremendous happiness this week in the smallest of things. Last week my mom came over and helped me organize my pantry. This is something I have been intending to do since we moved into this house in November, but still hadn't gotten around to. Things were put where it made sense to quickly shove them during unpacking and the grocery store trips since then. I have deep shelves and nothing was easy to get to which was frustrating. So, it is now beautifully organized and every time I see it (which is incredibly often between a pregnant mom and a growing toddler), it makes me happy. I did find one of my shoes in it the other day but these things will happen as long as Little John is around. So, hooray for organization and on to the next house project.

Morning Snuggles and Goodnight Kisses

Okay, I have to admit that I have completely chickened out on something. I simply can't do it and I am going to admit it, move on, and stop pretending I can. Next Friday is our 5th anniversary. That being a fairly momentous occasion, we had plans to go somewhere alone. Well, gradually it worked out where John didn't have enough time off for us to take a longer trip if he wanted time when the baby comes so our plan was for a weekend that included two nights away. Then that shortened to one, and now we are both relieved to find out that the other one really doesn't want to leave Little John for even one night and we're staying here. I am so happy! We are going to spend the day at the spa together, have dinner, etc., and then we are going to be very happy to go pick up our boy and bring him home so we can all go to bed where we belong. Now, I know we have circumstances that affect this because we regularly get time alone due to our fantastic babysitter lineup and also have time in the evenings after he goes to bed. I'm sure we would feel differently without that and have a huge need to connect with each other for a longer time. But we are blessed with that and all I can think about are all the years when I will not have a son who needs his mommy's hugs and kisses at night and can't wait to see her in the morning. He has his little routine - each morning when he wakes up he brings his blanket into our room, climbs in bed with me, and says "Momma!" like he hasn't seen me in a week. Then I get a little while to snuggle before we start our day and if Daddy's still there, he gets to join in. So, for now, we have decided to surrender and enjoy our little man in yellow Buzz Lightyear pajamas as long as we can. He's one of the best celebrations of our marriage anyway.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

My wonderful man is turning 27 today. I will have plenty of mushy things to say about him as my husband next week on our 5th anniversary. Today I think I will just make a list of some of my favorite things about him in no particular order. There are thousands more where this came from but it's a sampling.

• He is faithful - to his Lord, his family, his commitments, his work
• I can trust him completely in every area of life
• He is hilarious and not at the expense of others
• He can completely shut down my anger or frustration with the right words said in the right way at the right moment
• He can make friends with anyone and find things he likes about everyone
• He is loyal to his family and friends
• He loves me like every woman dreams of being loved
• He walks in the door at night and immediately starts playing with John and talking to me
• He is the most incredible father
• He never keeps score or lays on guilt trips but is always grateful
• He is humble and always seeking to change for the better
• His desire to do or not do things has nothing to do with the opinions of others but with what is right and best for him
• He is never judgmental
• He is the cutest, hunkiest guy I have ever seen, no exceptions
• He works hard and learns quickly
• He seeks out my advice and opinion even when it's his decision to make
• He's quick to say he's sorry even though he's rarely wrong
• He never deliberately hurts me with his words or actions, even when I'm sure I deserve it
• He is strong physically, mentally and spiritually
• He is never too cool or too macho for anything but is ready to enjoy any activity
• He has varied interests and therefore is never boring to be around or talk to
• He doesn't have to tell you what his priorities are - they are obvious by the way he spends his time
• He is incredible, wonderful, amazing, exciting, and best of all. . .
• HE'S MINE! (Yeah, baby!)

Papa

For all of you precious friends who are praying for me and my family, here is an update on my grandfather. He will be moving home to Bridgeport tomorrow where hospice has set up in their house. This should make it where my grandmother isn't doing anything too difficult for her but they can be in the comfort of their own space. They have absolutely no idea on the timing of the situation. His physical condition is very bad and has been for years. There is lung, prostate, and now brain cancer. They gave him a year to live five years ago. It has been sheer prayer and the will of God that he has been with us this long and now we want him to be as free of pain as possible. Everything has been said, much love has been expressed, and thank God there are no unresolved issues to stand in the way of our prayers for his ultimate freedom.

For those of you who don't know, my grandfather only came to the Lord a few years ago. I spent my childhood praying constantly for both of my grandfathers whom I have now seen confess Jesus in front of their families. For each of them it took different people and situations to cause them to make that decision. The night that my dad and his two brothers baptized their dad was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever witnessed. I watched my grandmother's tears after her years of fervent prayer for her husband and her faithfulness to her Lord to quietly live for Christ each day until she finally saw the answer to her prayers. She is a living example of I Peter 3:1, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." Those are the times that make you long for Heaven and yet understand why our patient Father keeps waiting for each little lamb.

Thank you for your prayers. I was reminded through this difficult weekend of what the church is truly meant to be. My brief text message went out to my three prayer warriors on Saturday, "Headed to the hospital to say possible goodbyes to my grandfather. I'm a basket case. Please pray." Within a very short time came the first four word response that I knew was coming and meant so much. "I'm praying. Love you." This was quickly followed with the other two checking on me and assuring me of their prayers and love. I am convinced that this is what the world is out there looking for. We can talk about and work on our methods and systems, but if we can hold that kind of love out to them then maybe they will grab on and then see the amazing, unsurpassed love of our Father.

"Lights, Camera, Action - WIGGLES!"

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I'll write more about it later, but we are in the process of saying our final goodbyes or "see you laters" to my grandfather. Please keep him and my family in your prayers, especially my grandmother and my dad. Hopefully he will soon be free of pain.

Anyway, with all of that emotion going on, Little John and I went to the Wiggles last night. Shelly got these tickets for us to take the kids months ago and it was just what I needed to take my mind off of things for a little while. The show was so cute and the kids absolutely had a ball. They never had to sit down or be quiet and they danced, sang, and jumped to their heart's content. I have to hand it to Jeff, Murray, Anthony, and Greg - those guys have some serious energy. They aren't young and that jumping around, singing, and playing instruments has got to be tough! They made me laugh because they got off their script and cracked each other up several times. Just four guys having fun, I guess. They also did a great job of coming out into the audience to be closer to the kids.

Emma thought the Wiggles were never going to come on stage and when one of the Wiggly Dancers came out to make an announcement before it started, she looked at me with a really disgusted face and said, "Where are the Wiggles?" I think she thought we had tricked her. She was quite excited when the big, red car finally drove out. Hayley asked if we could rewind her favorite part (the technology generation), and John was really quiet for the first half until he apparently finally woke up and started dancing with the girls. They were all three so good for us. Yes, Shelly and I sang the songs and danced, and don't you wish you had been there to see it? It's fun to be a mommy.
I am not sure why the kids look like they're being lined up for a round of shots, but they really were excited! Maybe they thought we were going to stick them in a house for a week together again! : ) I love these great kids!

More California

Here's my wonderful family, minus Cameron and Carli, in Santa Barbara. It was a little foggy that evening, but you get the idea. Brittany and I could get so spoiled traveling with that much help! Little John loved staying in the same house with his aunties. He always had to go find them as soon as he got up.


Little John loved pulling his backpack and I thought he was going to take out the bellman when he put it on the cart at the hotel in Disneyland!

He stood in this exact spot at Legoland, in front of the replica of the Hollywood Bowl, for 30 minutes. He kept giving the other kids who would run past this pained, serious expression like he didn't understand their immature lack of appreciation for this masterpiece and how difficult it would have been to create. It was playing an original symphony written for this exhibit and he also enjoyed the music.

This is our new buddy, Emmitt. Someday Katelyn and I will probably be flying the boys back and forth to stay with each other the way we used to do!

Little John loved the characters at Disneyland. This character breakfast was worth every penny for the thrill he got out of Chip and Dale coming to our table to "talk" to him. They were playing a fun game where they grabbed each other's noses. Although traveling with a toddler can be difficult, John and I both agree that it is worth it because of the delight of seeing them discover new things and places. They bring joy to every part of life and we don't know how we ever had fun without our little man! I guess we didn't know what we were missing. A huge thanks to Grandpa and Marmee for a wonderful trip! Thanks for working so hard to make these times special for our whole family!

California

We recently returned from a trip to California. We were there with most of my immediate family (which with in-laws, grandchildren, and potential in-law now includes 13 and one on the way). Unfortunately, Cameron and Carli had to come back to work before we arrived so we totally missed her first vacation experience with the fam. We'll catch you next time, Carli! We had a great time doing a variety of things including Legoland, the beach, shopping, driving, Disneyland, and a reunion with dear friends.

10 years ago while in Australia and New Zealand on a ministry trip I met Katelyn who then became one of my dearest friends. It was completely a "God thing" that we met at all and then have maintained a close friendship across the miles between here and California all this time. We have seen each other through graduations, a senior trip to Prince Edward Island, starting our relationships with the guys who are now our husbands, stood beside each other in our weddings, struggled as we both prayed for children and dealt with difficulty in becoming pregnant, had sons two months apart, and cried and laughed through many other emotional and spiritual ups and downs. She is a tremendous blessing to me because, while she knows many of the people in my life, she is separate enough from it to be objective and unaffected by my spilling my guts. She has even had to put up with the nickname "Big Katelyn" in order to distinguish her from my sister. We had not seen each other since my wedding five years ago and reuniting in California was such a special time. Her husband is wonderful and so sweet to be willing to take time off of work to spend with her friends. I'm so glad she has him. He and John hit it off and had a great time. Her son is absolutely precious and he and Little John played together as only two-year-olds can - with lots of supervision and reminders to share. We have promised that it will not be another five years before we see each other again. I love you, Kate, and can't thank God enough for putting you in my life.

I will post more pictures on our trip later but we're off for our first round of birthday events for John this week!

Kailey Abigail

To the left you can see sweet little feet and our baby girl's first profile shot. After deliberation and prayer we have decided to name this little girl Kailey Abigail. We actually chose this name the very first time we were pregnant in February 2003 and for several reasons still feel strongly that it is our name for our first girl. Besides loving the name, it goes perfectly with the precious way the Lord spoke to us before her conception.

John and I decided to have a day of prayer and fasting as we approached the week our baby that we miscarried last summer would have been due in February. It was also the week that we found out that we were pregnant with my first pregnancy in 2003 (also a miscarriage) and the week that I found out we weren't pregnant again for another month. Do you think this all added up to a little bit of emotion? I had three precious friends specifically praying for me that week and as each one called or checked on me I was able to give the miraculous report that God was wrapping me in His love to the point that I felt physically protected from all of the overwhelming emotion I had been expecting.

On our day dedicated to prayers seeking God in this area of our lives, John was at work and I was at home. I put Little John down for his nap and felt God prompting me to pull out a story I had recently been convicted by in a Bible study I was going through at church. So I got out my Bible, my Bible dictionary, my concordance and got ready to dig deep into the Word. As I began reading through 2 Chronicles 20 , I went very slowly with the Lord showing me revelation after revelation in each and every verse. It would take a short book to write it all down (and I have written it because I don't ever want to forget), but basically there were a few basic truths that hit me hard that day. One was the reminder that my battle was not against the Lord but my battle against the Enemy belonged to the Lord. "This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.'" Then, that I could rest in praise of the Lord and He would show me and everyone else His strength and power. "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you." And lastly, that the reward I would receive from my giving the battle into the Lord's hands would be much more than I asked or imagined. "So Jehoshaphat and his men went to carry off their plunder, and they found among them a great amount of equipment and clothing and also articles of value—more than they could take away. There was so much plunder that it took three days to collect it." As I read through that last part I was reminded of the name Kailey that we had talked about naming a little girl because it means "crown." She is our priceless "valuable" or "precious jewelry," as one version puts it. John came home that night and we cried and shared together as he told me the things God had shown him - especially the story of Isaac praying over Rebekah that she would conceive. John prayed the most precious prayer over me that night as he asked the Lord that this week that had begun our journey through these three miscarriages would now be the week that ended it - that we would conceive and that the child would be healthy and strong as God delivered us to raise a Godly inheritance for Him. Exactly four weeks later we discovered that our prayer had been answered "yes" as it was prayed and that this was the first chapter in Kailey's story. Her middle name Abigail comes as we experience the "joy of the Father" that He has given us through this faith walk with Him. So, sweetheart, I hope you love your name as much as we do and you can know that it is already a name coming before our Father's throne many times a day as we seek Him on your behalf. We love you, baby Kailey Abigail!

26

Today is my 26th birthday. I have been thinking all morning of how blessed I am and what a wonderful life I live. I am surrounded by the love of my Lord, family, and friends, and I wouldn't change a thing. I think the words that best describe where I am as this year comes to a close would be "joy" and "peace." Every day my life is full of those little moments that fill my heart until it could burst. Nothing huge, nothing earth-shattering, just beautiful life that God has created and given. There is also a great peace in our family right now as we feel God's call on us and do our prayerful best, in His strength, to follow His leading. He has so specifically given us a vision for our family that becomes clearer each year, and it has been sometimes very difficult, but always wonderful, as we walk this path. A perfect example of this would be that last year on my birthday I was recovering from my third miscarriage wondering why God was allowing that particular trial yet again in our lives. This year I am expecting our precious baby daughter and looking back, knowing the things about Himself that the Lord has shown me and understanding a little better how He wants me to view my roller coaster ride of motherhood. I will always love and miss my babies and know that He is caring for them perfectly until I finally get my turn to see and hold them. Meanwhile I do my very best for the ones I have been given here and keep my perspective eternal. This is all for a little while and then there is forever. Thank you, Jesus.
Here are a few of the little, everyday things that are my favorite life moments on this birthday:

• Hearing my husband pray over Little John, our baby girl, and me each night
• Listening to Little John say his first Scripture verse in his little voice as he goes to sleep, "The Lord is my Shepherd"
• Feeling my baby girl kicking and moving as she grows
• Being wrapped in my husband's big hug
• Watching my excitement reflected on my son's face when his daddy walks in the door each evening or gets to stay on weekend mornings
• Living close to John's family and mine so that they can be a part of all the little moments as our children grow and watching Little John learn to dearly love the most important people in my life
• Having a constant flow of people in and out of our home as we strive for it to become a place where Jesus' heart for others is felt

This is my life and I love it.

It's a Girl!

I'm in total shock. I was so sure that my "mommy instinct" was telling me it was a boy. So much for gut feelings! We are completely thrilled and so grateful for the news that she looks very healthy and active. Looking at her bouncing around on the sonogram confirmed the jumping bean action I feel whenever I get still. She never stopped for a second! What a blessing from God to all of us.
Little John was very quiet and still while watching the sonogram and then when we told him he was having a baby sister he clapped. He kept hugging the sonogram pictures and saying "so cute" over and over! Unbelievably precious. What a wonderful gift he will be to our little girl. Having an older brother I am so thrilled for her to have his protection, advice, and friendship. I remember one of the things that excited me about having John first was that all of my other children would have at least one big brother. My dad pointed out that I should know about raising second-born girls, which is true, but at the moment my mind is still whirling with the unknowns. Just when I was getting used to the boy thing! Of course I know that each child is completely different whether they are the same or different genders. I am so grateful to have the guidance of their Heavenly Father who knows them inside and out from the moment of their conception. I am already praying for His revelations of the best ways to care for this precious heart that belongs to Him.
Praise the Lord for this healthy baby and thanks to all of you for your continued prayers for her and for me. I need to go look at pink things now. Time to get started. : )

"Goodbye Pacifier"

Well, in typical mommy exaggeration, my boy is on his way to becoming a man because his pacifier is officially gone for good. Why is it so hard to do these seemingly insignificant things? Because they are small steps on the road to his independence. This is exactly what I want and yet the very thing I would love to avoid. We had a rough first day although he never exactly asked for it, but the second and third days have been better. The most difficult time for me was about 6:00 Sunday morning when I heard him in his room crying, "my pa" (that's his name for it). It lasted all of 30 seconds and seemed like an eternity. It can be so hard to do the things that I know are best for him when they make him sad. I know this is a very small thing in comparison to the big ones I will one day have to watch, so I am grateful God gives me these things in baby steps. This is also another reminder of all the ways that God has to watch me "suffer" for my growth when it must hurt His heart. I am so glad that He does not always answer my cries for "my pa" which is whatever I want to use besides Him to soothe, comfort, or fill me. I am forever grateful for His tough love that continues to push and pull me back towards the only true answers and peace in His Presence and His timing. Lord, please give me the strength to love my son the way that You love him and me!

Here are a few of my favorite pacifier pictures "in memoriam:"

Father's Day

Every year at this time I am constantly reminded of the word "father." It is obviously a wonderful time when we can focus on someone very special. Something else that always happens on Father's Day each year is that our church's week of Royal Family Kids Camp begins. RFKC is a ministry to abused and neglected children giving them an opportunity to experience God's love through the people who volunteer their time to give those kids an amazing week. You can find more information at http://www.rfkc.org/. Many of the precious girls and boys who attend that camp and I have completely different gut reactions to the word "father." I have always prayed during those weeks at camp that it would be my chance to translate that word to them in a new way and possibly to introduce them to a new Father.

For me it is a warm, fuzzy word, a safe, secure person, an unconditionally loving heart that partially belongs to me. Because of that it is quite simple for me to translate those attributes into God my Father. One of my favorite descriptions or attributes of God is that He chooses to be personally involved in my life as Father. I can certainly see why this has been made easy for me to believe. My heavenly Father provides what I need - I experienced the faithful provision of a hardworking father; my heavenly Father watches over me - my father came home each night and we never wondered where he was or when he was coming back; my heavenly Father disciplines and allows things to help me grow - my father spanked and reproved for my safety and development into a godly woman; my heavenly Father loves me unconditionally - of course, that's what fathers do. Or is it always? What does that word bring to mind for the little boy whose father set him on fire or the fragile sweetheart who shakily asked me if any men would be sleeping in our dorm room at camp? No, as you hear the stories of these tiny lives touched by men who are everything opposite of what is good and gentle, the only response is to get on your face and ask God "why?" I understand sin and a depraved world but why did I receive the life-altering blessing of a great father? I will never know, but I have promised God, myself and those who did not have that blessing this: I will never for one day take it for granted.

When it is easy for me to picture God as my father, when I experience a healthy relationship with men and particularly my husband, when I still go for advice to the man who has always pointed me toward God, I will remember what I have been given and live my life in gratitude. My dad will have my love, respect and time, my children's wonderful father will have my respect and my guidance and example in teaching his children to be grateful for what they have in him, my father-in-law will have my undying gratitude that his son has watched and learned from him the kind of father to be. My grandfathers, uncles, family, friends, men at church, and now my brother and brother-in-law should all know that there is nothing more valuable an irreplaceable than the role they play in the lives of their children, and that I am so grateful for their dedication to God and to their families. So my thanks and a heart full of love to Dad, Da, Papa, Martin, and John - my father, grandfathers, father-in-law, and the amazing father of my children. You are amazing men, and I thank God for you!

Here are these great dads/grandfathers:

Little John's wonderful dad

My great dad, otherwise known as Grandpa

John's fix-it master dad, otherwise known as Poppie

My Da

My Papa

John's Grandy who went to be with Jesus last year - we miss him!