It seems that each of my children has a story from early on. John's was a story of unexpected physical challenges for me in getting pregnant, of patience, of continued faith that we would have children, of realizing that God had sent me the most unbelievable man to be my husband as he showed grace, patience, and tenderness. While our wait was only a few years, it seemed very long after losing our first baby and waiting my whole life to be a mom.
Kailey's was a story of hope through lots of darkness as my family went through, what I hope was the most difficult year we will ever experience. Losing my nephew and two more babies in six months felt like more than we could bear but through Christ all things are possible. He showed Himself strong enough to carry us all and reminded me that there are others besides my family ready to pick up and carry when I need them. I learned much about humbling myself, admitting I'm weak, and asking for help. Then came God's direct promise to us of victory over these struggles and a renewed sense of Him being on our side, not fighting against us to "teach us a lesson." This was possibly one of the greatest lessons of my life. He showed Himself mighty and my precious niece and Kailey were born six months apart.
Already this pregnancy has been no different, requiring "all hands on deck" as the battle begins in desiring to bear and raise a child for the Lord. When I discovered I was pregnant for the sixth time, I immediately began dealing with the obvious fears. The first weeks are long and hard. I claimed victory over our cycle of loss and asked God for a first for us; two consecutive, successful pregnancies. I struggled with telling others or getting excited but John was firm that we would not allow for something to go wrong but walk in faith. I ordered my 150 Christmas cards announcing our news, we told the family at Thanksgiving and proceeded as planned. The week after Thanksgiving I was sitting at lunch when I was suddenly hit with horrible cramps. I went hot, cold, clammy, and my ears started ringing. Thinking I was likely to pass out I left the kids with John and went to the car. As I tried to figure out what was wrong, the bleeding started. Here I have to admit complete and total weakness. I fell apart. I have never had it turn around from that point. To me it signaled the beginning of the end and I began sobbing as I drove my children home, called my mom to come over, and climbed into bed. I kept telling God over and over that I had had enough. I couldn't do it any more. Why, when I have worked so hard to give this area of my life so completely to Him, does this keep happening? All I remember is saying, "Enough!" over and over. I told God that I didn't know what or how to pray any more. What was I supposed to ask for? I texted my precious accountability partners and quickly received assurances of their love and prayers. I cried to my dad like a little girl telling him that I just wanted to wake up and have the nightmare be over (I had recently had a horrible nightmare about miscarrying this baby). My dad and friends all said the same thing, that they would be praying that God would still turn this around. I told them that I wanted them to pray because I didn't feel strong enough to even ask for this to not be what it had been the other times. As I struggled through the afternoon, LJ sat on the bed next to me for hours. He watched cartoons and would pat me, calmly saying, "You will get better, Mom." He was like a tiny rock with God speaking comfort through him. After fighting through emotions of all kinds, I finally reached a place of some peace. I informed Satan that he might as well quit coming back to me time and time again because my answer would remain the same. Even a fourth time, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord." How could I look back on my history with Him or look around me at what He has done and think anything else? I told the Lord that this time I wanted to shout a victory from the rooftops, but I knew that His victories were sometimes slower and just as powerful. About the time it got dark, the bleeding began to stop. I had still seen too much to be hopeful and my midwife and I decided to set up a sonogram for the next day to check things out.
At bedtime, LJ was told to choose three stories, as usual. He generally chooses the ones he sees, the longest ones, etc. Tonight, without a blink, he said, "David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lion's Den, and Noah and the Ark." I thought, "Okay, Lord, I hear You. Through my three year old son You have just reminded me of your power over giants, lions, floods, and my situation." I had all day wondered what I was going to tell my sweet son. He was so excited about his new brother or sister (he insists brother)! After reading, LJ kept saying over and over, "I will fight the giant. I am not afraid." I knew that God would also take care of my son. Lying there listening to my husband read those precious stories was comforting down to the core of my being.
As I went to bed the Lord gave me the most beautiful picture. I pulled out my Bible looking for the story He was reminding me of. In Exodus 17 the Israelites went to battle against the Amalekites, led by Joshua. As long as Moses held up his hands over the battle, the Israelites won, but when he lowered them, they began to be defeated. When Moses grew tired, they set him on a stone and his brother, Aaron, on one side and Hur on the other, they held his hands up until sunset when the battle was won. God said to me that for that day I had been Moses and needed my arms held in this battle. With family and friends on either side praying, the victory had been won. The enemy had been defeated. I was amazed at even the timing as I thought of how my peace and then the stopping of the bleeding had happened right around sunset. Coincidence? I think not.
The next day, after a long afternoon of waiting, I went in for a sonogram and experienced a first. After a threatened miscarriage, on that screen was a tiny heart beating. My precious midwife said, "I knew it! Make sure she can see that heartbeat. She needs to see it." They said that everything would be fine and we would do a check in a few weeks just to make sure that the place the bleeding came from had healed properly. At the end of Exodus 17 God says, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven." So I am writing, and my precious "Joshua," unaware of his or her fight in the womb, will hear from day one of God's goodness and power. The story ends with, "Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner.
He said, "For hands were lifted up to the throne of the LORD. The LORD will be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation."
Blessed be the Name of the Lord!
Watching Mickey come in on the train and counting down until they opened the gates!
Little John's first glimpse of the castle
We're here!
Kailey playing at Pooh's house
The whole crew with Mickey (minus Cam and Carli). This was the greatest Mickey ever. He kissed all the girls hands, hugged the kids, high-fived the guys, and didn't rush us at all. The kids were totally starstruck.
