Spiritual Preparations

This morning I am feeling a little introspective. I woke up feeling excited and then just began on a little "remembering" walk with the Lord as I began to pray about the sonogram. Due to my family's (and other's) recent histories, I have learned to never take for granted what will happen during the course of a pregnancy. Learned that while there is no reason to fear, I have no "right" to a healthy baby and certainly "deserve" it no more than all the thousands who experience losses and difficulties. It has been amazing that even in having a deeper and more personal realization of all that can happen, I can still have more excitement and hope than ever before. Somewhere on this crazy road of bearing children there was a change. I started out driving the car and asking the Lord to navigate and tell me the best way to go. When traveling that way there is some pride upon reaching a destination, some personal responsibility when goals are reached, even when we are taking credit for what we have absolutely no control over. But somewhere in this pain and joy, the longing and waiting and the speed, the answers and the remaining questions, we did a Chinese fire drill. I think it was a gradual process. If you've ever changed drivers without getting out of the car, you know the tangle of arms and legs around the steering wheel as you try to switch seats. I think that may be what it has looked like. But as I prayed this morning, I realized that I have absolutely no desire to drive. I even have less and less of a pull to grab at the steering wheel when something scary seems imminent. More and more, when an obstacle shows up in the road, I just want to grab at His arm, just hold on to make sure He's taking care of it. This change has come at a dear price, but there is no value that can be put on peace and trust. How many children we have and when, their health, their futures, their genders, their timing - all of this is not mine and it never was. I only ask to sit and ride and to enjoy this journey. He's the only One who can truly keep in mind where we're ultimately headed anyway - we always seem to be on personal detours. I am so thrilled and can hardly wait until 11:30 when we no longer have to wonder who this little person is! I am so grateful that whoever he or she is, whatever happens in his or her life, I don't have to have all the answers. I can just point at the One driving and say, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord."