Reflections

I've been in one of those reflective moods lately. Sometimes I have a tendency to internalize what is going on with me. I do it in the name of being strong, of working out my attitudes before I say or do anything. While this can be good, it can also cause me to struggle through alone without calling on all the supports God has given me in my life. Sometimes this can even go as far as my prayer times being spent on all the things going on around me and carefully avoiding me and my issues. This internalization is one reason that writing and this blog are so therapeutic for me. Prayer journals help me in the same way. I can use the pen to do some of my thinking better than my brain alone. Due to my spiritual gift, I have even more difficulty leaving the heartaches of others at God's door than in dropping my own. I trust God with my own pain, my own problems but really think He should let me help sometimes on what other people are going through. : ) I feel helpless and simply don't want people to hurt.

Next week at our ladies Bible study I am speaking in the lecture class on rest. Usually before I do something like that, I have a period like this of reflection. A time where God is calling me to sit with Him and listen to what He has to say. Where I feel a little detached from what is going on around me and feel more attached to Him. Where I feel conviction in areas of my life that I have allowed to slide. My parents and other teachers did a very wise thing for me in teaching me to recognize these periods as a child. During times when I felt lonely or separated, they reminded me that God could be calling me away with Him. This has been a tremendous blessing in my marriage because I recognize these times not as gaps that John needs to fill in my life, not as times to cling to him and need from him things that he cannot give, but times for me with my God. Maybe preparing me for something that is ahead or healing me from something that has already happened. Maybe readying me for a new chapter or calling me to a new purpose or task. Over the years you can find these periods in my Bible with dates and can tell when the verses of crying out are underlined or sometimes the pages even tear stained. These are the special times that I wouldn't trade for any amount of easy floating through life. Why in the world the Great One would ever choose to call me aside with Him is something that floods me with a sense of unworthiness! But He does, and I'm ready. Knowing I will come out of this season better, changed, convicted, challenged, ready for what's next.